February 5, 2009
Keep the bulls out of your china shop ~ how to keep your heart from becoming calloused
Over 20 years ago, I heard an AyurVedic doctor say that it’s important to have commitment before becoming intimate with a partner because without that commitment, the heart becomes shaky and calloused. (AyurVeda is an Indian System of balancing and healing the body.) He explained that intimacy naturally opens the heart, and if it opens in an environment that isn’t tender, callouses form to protect it. That made a lot of sense to me – and made me wonder if the failure rate in our relationships is because we so regularly violate that awareness.
For years I’ve been recommending friends get a book called “Getting to I Do” – whether they want to get married or not. The author provides three criteria before becoming intimate – consistency, (no dropping in and out,) longevity, (thinking long term) and exclusivity (no other intimate partners.) Even for women who don’t want to get married, those criteria can prevent a lot of damage.
Think of the inner sanctuary of your heart as being like a china shop. You’ve got to be careful who you let in. A bull can do an awful lot of damage very quickly.
Of course, most of us are a bit clumsy, and particularly in new relationships, we can unwittingly cause harm. But when you have consistency, longevity and exclusivity, you can repair the damage together when it happens, and learn how to avoid future breakage. My philosophy is, if you want in my china shop, the agreement is if you break it, you help fix it.
It’s important to set boundaries to protect the sensitivities of the heart in friendship as well as love. My friends and I operate on the “if you break it, you help fix it” philosophy as well. But intimate relations touch us at unparalleled depths, and that’s where we really need to keep the bulls out of our china shop – so that our hearts can stay sweet and uncalloused.
“As a reminder not to kid yourself, I link to Johnny River’s song lyrics, “The Snake.”)
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I enjoy the “bull in the china shop” analogy. And I agree that the same practice should be used in all relationships – even the one we have with ourselves, or maybe even ESPECIALLY that one.
It is a grand plan to consider whether one’s self-talk is thunderous or thoughtful. To many of us are mindful of the china on others’ shelves, but when it comes to our own cabinets, we let the bull run wild and just scoop the shards under the rug.
I am going to use this analogy to remind myself to be kind toward me and others. It’s a grand plan.
Comment by kym — February 12, 2009 @ 6:09 pm
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