July 29, 2009
She disregarded what she thought in favor of what she saw and enjoyed a secret last laugh
Have you ever discovered that a sweetheart wasn’t who you thought they were, and looked back to realize they showed their colors all along? It’s so easy in early love relationships to see who we want to see. Then, as the “in-loveness” fades and we are faced with a mere mortal, the dynamic continues…only now we are seeing only flaws and overlooking the greatness.
So what would happen if you just opened your eyes and suspend your thoughts and see others as they are – unique, fascinating and flawed people who are worthy of your love and might or might not be appropriate love partners?
It takes a lot of pressure off to disregard what you think in favor of what you see. If you don’t, the last laugh will be on you, because reality always has a way of impinging on fantasy.
July 28, 2009
Perfect balance
“So be it,” says she. “So think it,” says he. “So do it,” says another. And all feels right with the world.
July 27, 2009
She played at work and worked at play and wondered why nothing worked.
My husband and I playfully about remind each other to do things. For example, if he forgets to close the closet door, he finds the most interesting things in his jacket pockets. Sure beats nagging.
Turning work into play…and getting results…is delightful art. And turning play into work is a destructive one…and one that we too often apply. I think of a video where Oprah runs on a treadmill affirming how much she hated it every step of the way. I wanted to shake her and suggest she take up NIA.
But turning exercise into work is nothing compared to the way we can turn relaxation into work. If you ever learned TM meditation, you know that getting your meditation “checked” is all about making sure you’re not using effort in your practice. You can’t use the sympathetic nervous system to invoke a parasympathetic relaxation response.
That’s why whenever I hear the phrase “work on our relationship” it’s a red flag. Yes, relationships do require nurturing and attention and development. But if you consider it work, you activate a power style of functioning in a situation that best responds to gentleness that allows things to unfold.
I once read that the best thing you can do to raise great kids is to enjoy them. I’ll add to that, that the best thing you can do for successful love relationships is to enjoy the person you’re with. When I hear how my imperfect but fabulous friends who are married to imperfect but fabulous people talk about working on their relationships, I remind them that their sweeties aren’t problems to be solved. Let the invitable unfoldment process be a joyous one.
July 6, 2009
The kettle and the pot are more alike than I knew
I paused to catch my breath on my ascent while hiking yesterday and reflected on a friend who is so absorbed in her personal drama that her dialogue is dominated by complaints about how she’s not getting the love she wants. I was there with her, loving her, but she couldn’t feel it or appreciate the beauty all around her because she was focused on what wasn’t working in her two main relationships.
Suddenly I noticed that my gaze was landing on an incredibly beautiful sight of grasses swaying in the wind. I hadn’t seen it because I was so focused on my friend that I missed what was in front of me. The pot and the kettle were more alike than I knew. I stopped worrying about my friend and enjoyed the beauty in from of me.
July 5, 2009
The invitation to joy
Sometimes my friends complain about their spouses about not sharing the intimacy they want. They pull and maneuver and pressure and plot to get their beloveds to engage. Funny thing. It doesn’t work.
But what does work is when they decide they will be responsible to create their own joy. When their sweeties feel both the absence of pressure and the attraction of a joyful partner, it’s impossible to resist.
An invitation to share joy speaks much louder than pressure to get closer to someone whose disappointment is so evident. That takes SpeakStrong to a new level.
July 4, 2009
The power of invitations
It’s an amazing thing – men seem to like invitations better than demands! Who knew? Something about pressure that shuts the heart down. Something about feeling like a disappointment that takes the fun out of playing.
My friends and I have been practicing the power of invitations. Not invitations that are really disguised demands. Invitations that say, I’m enjoying life, and I’d love for you to enjoy it with me. Not invitations that feel coercive. Initiations that leave complete freedom to decline. Not invitations that come from power. Invitations that come from love.
It’s amazing how powerful not coming from power can be.