October 13, 2008
Poison Phrase ~ Performance
Why on earth do we refer to how we relate intimately as
- Performance ?
I can think of a gazillion problems with this term. It’ like we’re putting on a show after which we expect to be scored. I do not want a man to perform for me, I want him to relate to me, love me and celebrate life with me. And, nothing shuts love down like the idea that they have to “perform” with the person who holds the keys to their heart.
While I’m at it, I also don’t like the word,
- Impotent.
I’ve had my world rocked by people who I’ve never even met - it takes a pretty potent person to do that. Some of these people are/were female, but if I knew for certain that any of the men who have influenced me deeply were unable to obtain erections, I would still consider them to be incredibly potent.
It’s bad enough that we continually check each other out for how we do or don’t measure up out in the world. Why would we turn intimacy into a proving ground? That diminishes an expression of the heart into an expression of ego and power, and undermines the very purpose of intimate relations.
September 1, 2008
Speaking to Love ~ Love removes the labor of labor
Who knew I would find a moving story for my SpeakStrong in Love speech in…Integrative Medicine: A Clincians Journal. The magazine was on the table while I ate, and I opened to an article titled: Is there still a place for normal birth? It told the tale of “Cathy,” a woman who determined to deliver her second child naturally after her first birth, using drugs, had complications. Cathy’s husband was nervous and a distraction to the calm environment Cathy and her coaches sought to create.
That changed when Cathy’s coaches announced she had crowned. Jeffrey felt relief and came over to kiss his wife. Cathy opened her eyes, gazed into his and said, “Oh, Jeffrey, kiss me again. It feels so GOOD when you KISS me!”
Those words transformed Jeffrey. His fear and anxiety disappeared. Now he had a job he understood and knew how to do. He took his wife in his arms and kissed her in a kiss that didn’t end.
Cathy’s coaches debated whether to intrude and instruct Cathy to push. It turned out they didn’t need to. Cathy was completely absorbed in kissing, and didn’t seem to notice when the baby’s head emerged, then the shoulder, then the entire body. Cathy’s coaches laid the baby on her mother’s belly: Cathy and Jeffrey were still kissing.
Finally the kiss broke, and Cathy was stunned to meet her new offspring.
That’s the power of love to take the labor out of labor. The love Cathy and her husband shared eased the birth of their child. The term “labor of love” implies no or little labor at all. If you think you don’t have time to invest in love, you might be laboring unnecessarily.
Note how readily Cathy accepted Jeffrey’s shift from anxiety to love. She didn’t say, - Hello - Where were you during the hard part? Now that we’re in the clear you show up. Couldn’t you have shown some support earlier? Why’d you wait until it was almost over?
It’s easy to hold on to failings and limitations - but Cathy let go of any reaction to Jeffrey’s inability to support her early in labor. She received his love completely. Her words intensified his love.
How about you? Do you SpeakStrong in Love? Or do you speak in ways that limit the very love you’re hoping to elicit?
August 26, 2008
Transcend the Guilt Trap: A glowing memorial and a set-up for regret and remorse
I received word that a former sweetheart of mine passed away last week. We had remained amicable, casual friends in the over ten years since our short romance. I was happy to hear that he died peacefully in his sleep and I wished his spirit well. The news of his passing didn’t trigger much emotion in me.
i was surprised to hear how much emotion his passing triggered in my friend “Nancy.” She had decided they weren’t a match after three dates with “Joe” last spring. Apparently Joe had been more impressed with Nancy than she was with him. After a glowing memorial which presented Joe as super human, several people came up to Nancy to ask how she was doing, telling her how much Joe cared about her, loved her and what a crush he had on her.
Nancy reacted with guilt and remorse for not having given Joe a chance. It took a while for her to realize that she and he were no more a match than he and I had been, and despite his glowing memorial and his infatuation with her, she had made the correct decision to pass on his offer of more.
Endings often bring up unresolved issues, and although the news of Joe’s passing didn’t trigger much in me last week, our breakup did trigger a tremendous amount of emotion in me many years past. It took a skilled guide to help me realize it wasn’t about what I thought it was about and to help me move on. I tell that tale in a chapter in my Unite and Concur eBook. You can download that chapter free at The Great Inner Divide.
August 20, 2008
A G-Rated Tantra Interview
When Fox news anchor Mike Brookbank told his news team he was interviewing a Tantra teacher, his news team questioned whether it would be suitable for morning TV. As the publicist who arranged the interview, I assured him it would be and I sent him a list of “Meryl Runion’s Jeffrey Armstrong G rated interview questions, guaranteed to offend no one.”
I’ve dedicated the last six weeks of my life to sponsoring Jeffrey Armstrong’s UltiMate™ Relationship Seminar in Colorado Springs. Half the journey was about figuring out how to talk about what Jeffrey teaches. When I use the word Tantra, people think of exotic sex. When I don’t use the word Tantra, people think of psychological approaches and the superficial “top ten ways to get your man to do what you want” kind of teachings you see on magazine covers. Depth and love have been left out of the descriptions of Tantra.
Here’s the description I like the most. “Be the soul. Love soul to soul. Vedic Tantra for the UltiMate™ Relationship.”
Jeffrey did a great job speaking for himself in the Fox News interview. As it turned out, the anchor was a bit more adventurous than we had anticipated.
I pay careful attention to what the press extracts. One Fox News anchor focused on Jeffrey’s reference to “Women’s Interiority” and on frequent expressions of love and appreciation. The station posted the clip with an article that highlighted Jeffrey’s reference to proper tension in relationships and the idea that Jeffrey is a reverse Deepak Chopra.
Let me know what stands out for you.
Enjoy the interview.
August 1, 2008
What does it mean to be appreciated as a woman?
After I posted about the pleasure of being appreciated as a woman, I decided some clarification is in order. The fact that I see clarification as necessary speaks volumes about our culture.
Please read my previous post before you read further here.
When I refer to being appreciated as a woman, what did you think I mean? Did you assume I mean sexually?
Of course appreciation can include that, but should not be automatically reduced to that. How about other feminine qualities? Like grace, beauty, refinement and creativity? How about nurturing and healing, loving and creating social connections? While these qualities are in no way exclusive to women, they are among the qualities women tend to excel in, and they are also qualities that many women enjoy being appreciated for. Of course no woman wants to be put in a box that undermines appreciation for, say, her business savvy and physical accomplishments. But why not appreciate both as appropriate?
Yes, this goes both ways. What does it mean to be appreciated as a man? I’m finding some new ways I didn’t imagine before - some I won’t elaborate on, and one I will. I invite your thoughts on what you think it means to be appreciated as a man.
The enlightened among us know that we all have male and female qualities, that behind male and female is our divine humanity, and that in many ways, our gender is a costume we wear over our souls. The more enlightened still, know that while all that is true, it feels really good to be appreciated as a woman - or as a man. Male and female isn’t some cosmic mistake. It’s a gift to be enjoyed. If we neutralize our differences it will keep us from experiencing The UltiMate(tm) Relationship.
Gender specific ~ appreciated as a woman
A friend told me about a man who admired her over dinner. At our age, we don’t get the same kind of male attention that we once did, and it’s a singular event when it happens. While we don’t mind that much, it can be nice to be appreciated. It’s nice to be appreciated for professionalism, enthusiasm, our brilliance, achievements - and it is fun to be appreciated as a woman. I assume men would say they enjoy being appreciated as men too.
But not all attention is as delightful as others. My friend and I tried to distinguish between the “thanks for noticing” attention and the “I need to take a shower” kind of attention. The difference seems to be in intent.
Some men sincerely revel in women’s essence, tendencies and natures. My friends and I think Johnny Depp’s Don Juan DeMarco movie should be mandatory viewing for young men because it shows the way many if not most women yearn to be appreciated. Don Juan’s heart is open in awe and appreciation of feminine beauty.
Other men seem to enjoy a sense of power over women. They tap into women’s deep yearnings for their own ego purposes. The appreciation doesn’t quite reach the heart.
They’re nothing like interacting someone who sees and fully appreciates who you are. When someone recognizes your depth and your beauty and reflects their appreciation back to you, it enlivens that beauty.
Of course when I’m presenting a brilliant training proposal, I want my listener to appreciate me as a professional. When I’m giving someone the perfect words to say what they mean, I want my listener appreciate me as a word smith. Many women have histories of being appreciated as women to the exclusion of our other qualities. That has given gender appreciation a bad name. This bad name has left many men reluctant to express any kind of admiration toward women. A question in my SpeakStrong blog triggered a great deal of dialogue and hints from women who were more interested in coaching that condemning a man who was baffled by a response he received. Let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Appropriateness is always key. But within the boundaries of appropriateness, they’re something exquisite about a woman being in the company of someone who appreciates her as a woman. It is a gift indeed.